True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
