I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
