You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
where are my eyebrows?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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