Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
