You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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