Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
