the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I pour the whiskey from now on
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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