My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
