He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
