I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
