I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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