Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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