Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
