so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
