dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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