you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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