i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
