tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
