Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
