I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
