On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
