Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
