I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
my liver is dry heaving
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
