just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
