It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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