so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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