i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
