So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
