You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
