Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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