just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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