I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
