If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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