it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Floor bacon is actually really good
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
