fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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