Don't make out with my wife yet
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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