I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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