I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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