It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
