Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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