hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
