Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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