Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
