The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
