I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
