my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
