Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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