Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
