What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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