Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
