I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
