I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
